


What You Can't Forget

by lodessa



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Amnesia, Declarations Of Love, F/M, First Time, Fix-It, Post-Endgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-05-12 23:19:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5685394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lodessa/pseuds/lodessa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kathryn forced herself not to ask him why he had showed up on her doorstep instead, soaked from the rain, a single peace rose clutched in one hand.  He didn’t remember, couldn’t have.  Ever since that blast and the resulting fall, well Kathryn had kept her distance once the doctor declared him out of danger, but as far as she knew he couldn’t remember anything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What You Can't Forget

“Chakotay…” she paused, trying to control her voice and expression, keep her surprise and emotion hidden, “I thought you were supposed to be on that transport an hour ago.”

“I was,” he looked down and away, tugging at his ear, and it was hard to keep in mind that he didn’t remember all the times she’d teased him about the nervous gesture, “I got down to the last five minutes before departure and I realized that wasn’t where I needed to be.”

She felt like she could hardly breathe on account of the tightness in her chest.

“Everyone seems to think that going back to Trebus is somehow going to unlock my memories, but from what I’ve gathered it doesn’t even look remotely the same as when I lived there these days. Besides, I don’t remember it.”

Kathryn forced herself not to ask him why he had showed up on her doorstep instead, soaked from the rain, a single peace rose clutched in one hand. He didn’t remember, couldn’t have. Ever since that blast and the resulting fall, well Kathryn had kept her distance once the doctor declared him out of danger, but as far as she knew he couldn’t remember anything.

“Your sister is there,” she managed, swallowing hard to avoid saying something else.

“Sekaya,” he said his sister’s name strangely, like it was foreign to his tongue, “has agreed to come to Earth instead. I don’t think she’s the secret to recovering what I have lost, though.”

“Okay,” she forced a stiff smile, “I’ll bite. What do you think is the secret? Knowing you, you have a theory, so tell me… What’s the plan?”

“I don’t remember Trebus. I don’t remember Seven,” Kathryn struggled not to flinch when he said the name of her former protege and his current girlfriend, “I don’t remember my own sister. What I do remember is you, Kathryn. You’re the only person, the only thing, I have any memory of, any sense of feeling…”

She felt herself trembling, not from the cold, but from thinking back to when his eyes had first opened in medical and he’d looked up and her and smiled, weakly, just like he had so many times before back on Voyager, and she’d thought… Well, the doctors and nurses had pushed her aside and started asking him dozens of questions, none of which he could answer, and that warm feeling had died as he couldn’t even remember his own name.

“The only time my name even feels like it belongs to me is when you say it, Kathryn. When they said they were bringing my girlfriend in, I expected it to be your face I saw. I don’t know what passed with Seven before the incident. There’s no hint of it inside me. Believe me I tried to find it. I do remember bringing you a rose like this, though, once. I did, didn’t I?”

He held it up and offered it to her and she couldn’t help placing her hands over his one larger one.

“You did,” she breathed.

“What happened?” he almost begged her, earnestly, “How did I end up dating some girl half my age I can’t remember when I was utterly in love with you? How did I screw up so monumentally? What monstrous mistake did I make? What kind of midlife crisis- I’m so sure that I love you and when your eyes meet mine I can’t help but feel…”

“Oh Chakotay…” she sighed, turning her face away from his in order to try and pull herself together, “If you only knew how many times I’ve asked myself the same questions.”

“I’m sorry I don’t remember.”

He placed his other hand over hers and she risked glancing back up at him. Through all the hurt and wounded pride and self denial, her affection and concern for him was winning out.

“I don’t think that’s the amnesia’s fault,” she choked, “I cut you off. I was so hurt, even though I had no right to be. I think it was my fault though. I kept you just out of reach for so many years, too committed to getting home to consider the damage I might be doing to both our hearts.”

“Are you saying I got tired of waiting?” his brow furrowed.

“Perhaps,” she sighed, “Maybe I just pushed you too far. All I know is that I had no right to interfere with your attempts at happiness.”

“Whatever pain we might have caused each other, I don’t remember that. It’s gone. All I know is how it feels to be near you, how coming here is the first decision I’ve felt right about since I lost my own history.”

“Why did you come here? For answers?”

Kathryn knew all the things she wished he would say, but still, she had to remain rational. As much as he seemed to be telling her everything she thought she had lost hope of, she had to remember that Chakotay had lost himself in a profound way. Still, today he seemed more like himself than he had since losing his memory.

“I came here for you,” he confessed, “Because the only thing I am sure about when it comes to myself is that I love you, Kathryn. I’m better with you. I know you have been avoiding me since I got out of the hospital, but you were there when I came to, and… well I can’t help hoping that you’ll let me back in your life, in whatever capacity you can stand.”

“I’m afraid,” she admitted, “I’m afraid because I can’t bear to be friends with you at this point.”

“Why does that make you afraid?” he said, looking suddenly downtrodden.

“Because, I know now that I can’t keep letting you go. I can’t bear to watch you find someone else. I know that now. That’s why I’ve been so distant, leaving room for Seven but unable to stand by and smile. I love you, Chakotay, I loved you when you brought me that first rose and I love you now.”

“Then let me in, I don’t know what kind of man I was, but right here and now that is the thing that matters most to me… more than remembering even.”

Kathryn stepped backwards across the threshold of her apartment, shifting the way her hands were with his so their fingers intertwined as she led him inside.

“Chakotay, you were… you are… the man I trust above all else.”

“I’m sorry for hurting you, for making you doubt-“

“Stop,” she dropped his hands to press a finger against his lips to silence him and ended up caressing the side of his face, “I won’t have you apologizing for something you don’t even remember doing.”

“It’s written all over your face, in the tension in your body…”

With a swift motion, Kathryn pushed the front door closed with her free hand and then brought it up to join the other, taking his face in her hands and dragging it down towards her own.

All logic and reason dictated that she should be careful, help him regain his memory slowly, wait… but she had let logic force her to wait too long before and it felt right, so impossibly right, to press her lips to his at long last.

“I’m glad you didn’t want to go back to being just friends,” he exhaled, as she released his mouth and buried her face into his shoulder, breathing in the scent of him as she snuggled more closely into the arms he had wrapped around her.

 _Slow, Kathryn,_ she reminded herself, but she desperately wanted to press him against that door and do everything that had been off limits all these years. She couldn’t help groaning in frustration, well frustration and something else as one of his hands ran up her spine all the way to her exposed neck.

“Good noise?” he asked, looking concerned, “I’m basically going off instinct here, since I can’t remember…”

They both had a good laugh at that.

“Is that your way of saying you need to take it slow, it’s your first time?” she teased.

“The prior no, the latter yes,” he replied, and she was not proud of how much it pleased her to hear he hadn’t been sharing a bed with Seven, at least not recently.

 _Forget taking it slow_ , she decided, _We’ve waited long enough, even if he doesn’t remember it._

“You want me to… deflower you?” she licked her lips, dragging her nails down his chest.

“Show me how to pleasure you. Unless you’d rather talk about parameters… Yes, I’m suddenly remembering that.”

“No more parameters,” she murmured pushing her body into his, “Just let me know if I’m going too fast.”

Grinding her hips into him she groaned and untucked his shirt to put her hands up under it. She could feel him responding already and there was a temptation just to sink down in front of him, undo his pants, and suck him off. It wasn’t her most skilled area, but if he couldn’t remember anyone else…

“Is this okay?” Chakotay asked, sliding his hands up to just beneath her breasts and waiting for permission.

She nodded, hands moving upwards to mirror his.

“You can touch me anywhere,” she told him, running her thumbs over his nipples and hoping he’d get the hint.

He did, and even through her clothes her body tightened in excitement. Their mouths found each other again and she moved her hands to his backside, grabbing his ass and holding him in place as she circled harder against him, moaning into the kiss. His body seemed to know what it was doing, even if his mind didn’t remember why.

“I hope you didn’t care about this shirt,” she commented as she ripped it open, too on edge to try and navigate how to remove it properly, “We should move things to the bedroom so we don’t give my neighbors a show,” she added, gesturing towards the large windows across the living area.

“As long as it means you’re taking these things off,” he groaned, the tip of his erection pressing right against her clit through the clothing and driving her wild as he pushed her shirt up her stomach.

“How else am I supposed to feel your skin all over mine?” she chuckled, as he moved his hands to her hips and hoisted her up off her feet, arms wrapping around his neck and legs around his waist. 

“Is that a hint?” he grinned back, carrying her towards the bedroom.

“Not a very subtle one,” she replied, before kissing him again.

“It sounds like being subtle didn’t work out so well for us before,” he murmured, setting her back down as they reached the foot of her bed.

“No,” she had to admit, “It didn’t.”

“How about this?” he asked, tugging her shirt up over her head, “Is this working a little bit better?”

She grabbed his hands and put them back over her breasts and he got the idea, massaging through the material of her bra. His big, strong, hands felt so right.

“Kiss my neck,” she murmured, caressing his torso as she ran her hands all over it, tilting her chin up.

“Here?” he asked, right below her ear, “Or more like-“

“Mmmm,” she moaned as he found that spot right above her collarbone, “Don’t worry about being gentle.”

“What if I want to be gentle?” he murmured.

“I can’t promise I’ll be,” she groaned, running one hand down the front of his pants to caress the bulge of his erection through them.

“I’d never ask you to,” he replied, trailing soft kisses downwards from her throat to between her breasts, “After all, you are supposed to be showing me what you like.”

“You should… replace one of your hands with your mouth,” Kathryn breathed.

“Like this?” he grinned as he nuzzled closer, shifting his hand so that he could move his lips to the spot where the material of her bra was puckered by her aroused nipple poking out and then pressing his tongue against it, the warmth of his mouth soaking through the fabric.

She moaned, a fresh rush of arousal coursing through her, and started working his pants open with one hand as she continued fondling him with the other. It was hard to concentrate on the task at hand as he flicked his tongue back and forth, the friction through her bra against her nipple driving her to distraction.

Nothing else mattered. She couldn’t consider anything other than how good his mouth felt or the way his hand was caressing her stomach and lower back and just how much she needed him to be naked… now.

“Chakotay…” she groaned, fumbling with the clasp of his pants and being forced to devote two hands to it.

“It feels good to hear you say my name that way, even though I don’t remember it… I can feel how long I’ve been waiting for you to.”

“You don’t have to wait anymore,” she murmured, running her hand along the length of his erection, “Not with me.”

He switched sides, teasing her other nipple as he reached around to unclasp her bra, his hands as clumsy as hers had been a moment before. Her bra fell away and he cupped her gently, firm but soft, like she was made of something fragile and precious. Her breasts pressed against his chest as he straightened up to kiss her lips once more, soft open mouthed kisses that left her craving more.

“Get on the bed,” she told him, moving to finish removing his clothes so that he was spread out before her, and then kissing her way up the inside of his legs as she enjoyed the view.

“You still have clothes on,” he commented, gesturing to her pants and boots.

“I guess you’d better do something about that,” she grinned, moving to lie beside him and he rose up onto his knees and started working her pants open, kneeling over her lightly sucking at and then circling one of her stiffened nipples with his tongue as he did.

She lifted her hips to help him get her pants off and shuddered, bucking her hips as he ran a hand over the wet splotch on her underwear, where her arousal had leaked through. He lowered his face downwards, and her nipple ached as the cold air hit it, but then his hot breath was hitting her underwear and her whole body coiled in anticipation.

“May I?” he asked, finishing the question with a long drag of his tongue against her opening and clit through the fabric to clarify.

“Please yes,” she gasped, squirming needily, “Take the damned things off and go down on me.”

The boots were a challenge, but the whole time he kept licking her through the material, making her clit throb.

“Just rip them off,” she groaned and after a moment he did, the thin fabric giving way to his strong hands. For a moment he just stared, taking in the sight of her in front of him like that, and then he plunged his tongue inside of her.

The way he was thrusting his tongue in and out of her felt good, especially as the gentle way he was caressing her thighs with the feathery lightest touches made her whole body tingle, but she needed more.

“Replace your mouth with your fingers and move it up to treat my clit just like you did my nipples,” she almost begged.

It took a little redirecting, but Chakotay’s instincts were either naturally good or remembered more than he knew, and soon he was meeting each press of her hips upward with one of his fingers into her and his lips were locked around her clit, sending jolts of pleasure through her.

“Chakotayyyy…” she moaned, rocking faster against his face, “I can’t wait. I need you inside of me NOW. I need to ride you so hard…”

With one last sweep of his tongue around her entrance, Chakotay withdrew, reclining back against the bed with open arms, erect cock dripping with precum.

“Come here,” he murmured, “Come show me.”

She swirled her tongue over the head of his cock as she crawled up his body, tasting his desire, before hovering just above his body, breasts brushing his chest as she rubbed herself against his length, coating him in her own. Pressing her knees down a little to re-angle, she cried out in relief as she slid down onto him, his thickness stretching her open as she slid fluidly down around him, drenched as she was with need.

She let her whole weight rest against him, burying her face against his chest, as she took a moment to enjoy the feeling of completeness that came with having him buried to the hilt inside of her, their bodies pressed together, hearts beating wildly.

“Better?” he whispered, which she responded to by raising herself up onto her elbows and circling her hips widely.

“What’s it seem like?” she grunted, pressing her hands against his chest to sit herself up and rocking up and down on his cock with a moan.

“Everything,” he murmured, moving his hands to rest against her hips, “It’s everything.”

She knew what he meant, body moving of its own volition, taking him slow and deep and then gradually faster and harder. It felt so incredible to feel him rubbing inside of her, each movement intensifying her enjoyment. She hadn’t been completely celibate these past years, but she’d spent most of her time going without, and none of those brief liaisons had given her the blinding sense of rightness that she had right now.

She grabbed Chakotay’s hands, interlacing his fingers with her own as she pushed them down beside his head, leaning forward as she thrust single-mindedly, clit rubbing against him with each movement.

He captured the nipple of one of her breasts, as they hung in front of his face, and circled his tongue around it and she let out a strangled cry, letting go of one of his hands to reach down and pinch one of his nipples. He pressed hers between his tongue and teeth, sucking, as his hips bucked up and she whimpered, her body shifting to small, fast, deep thrusts that gave her no relief from the intensity of him against and inside her.

He pulled back his face blowing against her oversensitive nipple and as the cold air his her breast and their hips rocked into one another she felt herself spasm around him with  a choking sound that was more of a grunt than anything else, continuing rocking as each movement sent a smaller wave of pleasure through her, until he broke free of her grip and held her hips in place as he thrust once up into her and held them both there with him deep inside of her and she let out a shuddering moan and felt her whole being relax.

“I’m so glad you turned around,” she murmured into his skin as he held her in his arms, hard cock still sending tingles though her body, as she started to recover.

“So am I,” he smiled, guiding her face up towards his so that he could kiss her.

“Not as much as you are going to be,” she promised, pressing her upper arms into her body to trap her breasts together as she sat up and started riding him again.

“Kathryn,” he told her, sitting up against her, and placing his hands across her back, “Being with you like this… It doesn’t feel like part of me is missing anymore.”

“I know what you mean,” she replied, moving one of his hands between them and against her clit as she leaned back slightly, taking advantage of the support of his remaining hand.

There had been a ache inside her, a pit of longing and sadness, for so long, but now it was gone, satiated by this intimacy.

She got his fingers rubbing just the right way and felt a renewed tightening of her body around him. His cock twitched, pulsing in response to the additional pressure.

Kathryn shifted, widening the way her legs were spread to get him just a little bit deeper and was rewarded with the way his body felt against the area surrounding her opening. Her breasts jostled and she had to grab them more directly to avoid discomfort as she worked harder against him.

“Play with them,” his tone was a question, though his voice was rough with desire, “So next time I have more of an idea what you like.”

She had to shift her grip so that she could both support her breasts and pinch her nipples, moaning as she slammed his cock a little more forcefully into her. Teasing them between her forefingers and thumbs she found herself whimpering as his fingers ghosted over her clit and his cock rubbed against just that right spot of her inner wall.

“I remember when we first met,” he groaned, meeting her thrusts with his own, “I was so angry, but then I looked at you and you looked me right in the eye, and so help me I wanted to bend the knee and fall in line.”

“If I hadn’t been engaged…” she confessed, “I might have marched you right into my ready room and had you then and there. The way you looked at me and that mouth of yours…”

“I wonder if everyone else could feel it, that raw animal electricity between us?”

“I always hoped they thought it was something else.”

“Back then, I wanted to touch you like this…” Chakotay almost growled, pinching and rolling her clit between his fingers, and Kathryn gasped and mimicked the movement with her fingers on her nipples, “I didn’t know you. Didn't love you. Now, even though there’s parts I don't remember, I feel that understanding. That was something else entirely.”

“But it’s still there,” she groaned intent in her rhythm, “Along with the love and the fondness. There’s a part of that desire… to fuck.”

As she said it, she realized it was true. Along with the love and everything else a tawdry lust, an aggressive hedonism had been released.

“How do you want to fuck me then? That part of you…”

“I want you handcuffed, legs spread. I want to tease your balls until you beg me for release. I want you on your hands and knees, so I can smack your ass, so I can yank your legs apart and rim your asshole, fuck you with my tongue until you beg me for something more,” all the hurt and anger she’d held inside, watching him play at romance with Seven, avoiding his gaze… it all came welling up, twisted up with the desperate hopeless longing, cruel and insatiable, “I want to hold you down and fuck your face until I am too raw to continue.”

“You can, Kathryn,” he murmured, falling back against the bed as she pushed him down, dragging her nails down his chest, “If you want to, I want you to. All of it.”

“I was so angry,” she choked back a sob, the awfulness of it hitting her.

“I don’t understand why I did it,” he cooed, gently enfolding her in his arms and guiding her down to rest against his chest, “I love you. I’ve always loved you.”

“How can you say that when you don’t remember…”

“How can I not, when it’s ALL I remember? The ancient legend, Kathryn. That midnight sail. All those candlelit dinners…”

“Oh, Chakotay…” she sighed, running her hands over his face.

“I love you,” he repeated, circling his hips slowly and rubbing her back.

“I love you. That’s why there’s all this hurt, which is ridiculous now that you-“

“Tell me, what do you need? Would any of those-“

“Show me. Show me how you want me, not how you think I want you to.”

“Alright,” he placed a kiss against her throat, “I can certainly do that.”

Then his hands were everywhere, not rough but insistent, caressing and teasing. His mouth covered her neck and shoulders, peppered her face with kisses, before finding hers and claiming it once more. His powerful thrusts stayed deep undulating inside of her intensely.

As his hands skimmed the side of her breasts she moaned into his mouth, legs shaking, overwhelmed by the tender intensity. Without changing the range of movement, they sped up, both gasping for air between impassioned kissing.

She felt him start to shake, body stiffening, and then the hot rush of his release against that spot on her inner wall that caused her to squeeze with renewed vigor around him, rocking though his release as they both gasped and moaned and shook.

Eventually, she had to move. Propping herself up on her elbows, she looked into Chakotay’s eyes and saw nothing but joy and love in them.

“I imagine that if I knew that all it would take is a little amnesia, I would have lost my memory sooner,” he grinned.

“If I’d known it would have brought you back to me, I would have hit you on the head myself,” she smirked lopsidedly.

“I’m sorry I hurt you,” he apologized and she felt ridiculous for holding something he couldn’t remember against him.

“Maybe you did it just to make me angry enough to want to punish you,” she teased, trying to lighten the mood.

“In all seriousness, every last one of those ideas turned me on, your desire… it turns me on.”

“Any one idea in particular-“ she started to ask, only to realize that her home comm was ringing, in retrospect it had probably been ringing for a while.

“Damn…” she grumbled, regretfully pulling away and stepping out the bed, grabbing a robe on her way to the other room.

On the screen she noted she had a dozen missed communications.

  
The current one was B’Elanna.

“We’ve been trying to get ahold of you for the last hour,” she huffed, visibly agitated, “I know you are busy with work but Owen checked and you had the day off. Chakotay walked off the shuttle, broke up with Seven via comm, and since then no one has seen or heard from him and we are all really worried given his condition and… Oh.” B’Elanna stopped abruptly, looking at something over Kathryn’s shoulder.

Kathryn turned around to find a sheepish looking Chakotay behind her, halfway dressed with incredibly mussed bedhead. B’Elanna was looking from one to the other, mouth slightly open, as though she couldn’t believe what she was seeing.

“There’s no need to send out the cavalry, Torres,” he grinned smugly.

“You haven’t called me Torres since the accident,” B’Elanna mused aloud.

“Let’s just say I’m starting to feel a lot more clear headed.”

“Your memory is back?”

“Not exactly, but some bits and pieces are starting to crystallize.”

“Obviously,” B’Elanna smiled knowingly, “Well I guess I can call the dogs off now that I know you’re in good hands.”

Well, there went the question of whether they were going to keep this development to themselves for a while. It was no longer an option. Honestly, Kathryn was too relieved to mind.

“I’m sorry we worried you, B’Elanna,” Kathryn smiled, “It never occurred to me I was harboring a fugitive.”

“No problem, Cap- Admiral. I better go and let everyone know… that Chakotay is… alright.”

Kathryn waited about five seconds after the connection ended, before turning to Chakotay.

“I didn’t even think to ask where you’d left things with Seven…” she admitted, a little ashamed that she hadn’t even thought to ask. She hoped that the younger woman wouldn’t be too wounded by the change, but it was hard to imagine Seven being terribly heartbroken.

“There wasn’t much to leave, even if everyone involved was too stubborn to admit it for a while,” he replied, moving to cross the distance between them.

“You know,” she told him, wrapping her arms around his neck, “I have a lot of leave saved up. We could always take a trip to Trebus together.”

“We should go in the fall, when the weather is better,” he replied casually, then suddenly realized what he’d done.

“Wait… you remembered that?”

“Like I said, I’m feeling clearer,” he replied, “I think the cognitive dissonance of trying to ‘remember’ something that was a lie to begin with was holding me back. The more I accepted that I love you, the easier it’s been to recall things… and well-“

“Let me guess. It’s been noticeably better since we had sex and you are thinking maybe that’s the real cure,” she chuckled.

“It couldn’t hurt to try,” he shrugged, with a dimpled grin.

A warm sense of contentment surrounded Kathryn, tension she hadn’t even known she was carrying (let alone was about Chakotay) draining from her. She leaned in, kissing him slowly and thoroughly, and sighed happily.

**Author's Note:**

> The original prompt was for an amnesia AU and this is an anmesia fix, but I hope the requester will still be happy.


End file.
